apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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