he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
