oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
