Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
this just has baby written all over it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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