My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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