I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
