I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
