you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I need a beard to bite.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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