dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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