She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
