I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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