my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
