maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
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