And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
