you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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