he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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