dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
