I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
