listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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