like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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