I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize