I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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