My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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