i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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