I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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