I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
