Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
