Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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