he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
