Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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