im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
