Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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