I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
