Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
