I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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