The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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