I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
