is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
