Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
