great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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