I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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