he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
