it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
