am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
