please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize