I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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