All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
