I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize