You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
