thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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