Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
