I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize