im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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