his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
