At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
