You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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