That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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