he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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