FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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