before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
