No awkward lesbian experiences without me
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You ruined the universe
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
