she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
