Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
