Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
