she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize