I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
