Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
