I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
