I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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