Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
