Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
