i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
accomplished twins. life is a go
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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